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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27496411">Just As He Remembered</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/introvertscribbles/pseuds/introvertscribbles'>introvertscribbles</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magnus Archives (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Abuse mention, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Suicide mention, TMA season 4, Trans!Martin, mentioned transphobia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:07:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,214</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27496411</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/introvertscribbles/pseuds/introvertscribbles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Martin believes Jon is dead and while dealing with the grief, his mother dies. </p><p>He visits his childhood home before is sold and relives the memories that he has avoided.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Just As He Remembered</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Martin wasn’t sure what to feel, he just lost Jon, who he had liked for a few years, and now his mother.</p><p>After the arrest of Elias, and the hiring of Peter he was forced to isolate himself from everyone, so griefing for anyone was near impossible. </p><p>He could hear Peter’s voice in his head, reminding him that he needed to be away from everyone in order to avoid what would be the end of the world, Martin didn’t feel like arguing with Peter. All the people he cared about were dead and he couldn’t care less if he was the next to die.</p><p>When he got the call about his mother, he felt numb. “Mr. Blackwood, your mother has passed away” It feels like it was yesterday. He was already grieving for Jon, and adding his mother to his grief broke him. </p><p>It was during work, he was making a statement, when he got the call. He saw the caller ID and knew what the call was. His mother has been sick for so long but he was still not prepared. </p><p>As he hung up, his memories with his mother and the knowledge Elias gave Martin flooded in his head. </p><p>He blamed himself, but how could he, he had no control over the passing of his mother, or looking like his father. He tended to blame himself for everything.</p><p>Makes sense, it was only him and his mother. His dad left when he was young and he always had to take care of his mother. Even when his mother didn’t seem to want to be around him he still felt like he needed to help, no one else was there to do it. </p><p>These past few months since the passing of his mother, he has been reminded of his childhood, the good and bad memories, mostly bad. </p><p>Although Martin’s mother was in a care home, she was adamant about keeping the house until her death. I guess for the chance that she would be healthy enough to live at her own home again. </p><p>Martin avoided the home for a while after her death, he knew exactly where it was and could even picture all the rooms exactly as he left it when he had enough money to move on his own. He hasn’t been back since.<br/>
He finally got the courage to go back one day. He needed to, since the home would eventually be sold, and all his mother's belongings were inside. </p><p>It looked exactly as he remembered it. The black roof shingles that have been chipping for years, but couldn’t afford to fix. The lopsided mailbox near the road that the neighbour’s son bumped with his car in ‘07, and even the homemade curtains seen through the massive front window that his mom would have him change, because you can’t have the same curtains up for too long he never understood why, but he didn’t want to argue.</p><p>He took a deep breath before going in. No one has been inside since 2015, when his mother had to move into a care home. </p><p>It was so dusty, expected since it has been nearly two years. His mother would have been so mad seeing it like this. She always enjoyed everything to be her way, neat and proper. </p><p>Martin walks in, closing the door behind him. He could feel his body tense, he has seen so many supernatural monsters since working at the institute, but being inside was a different type of fear. </p><p>He walks into the living room and spots the family photo frames on the wall. It was various photos of him as a child, his mother wanted to keep them up although he wasn’t comfortable with his pre-transition photos up on the wall, she never really understood why. She never even called him the right name, she said it was too difficult. </p><p>The photo that caught his eye was the largest frame, it has Martin as a baby sitting on his father’s lap with his mother smiling, but the photo of his father’s face was torn off. He took down all of the frames and took out the photos, put them in his jacket pocket as he went into the other rooms.</p><p>He went through the kitchen, the bathroom, and down the hall into the various rooms. </p><p>The one he subconsciously avoided he left for last. His old bedroom, although its where he spent the most time when his mom didn’t need him to do something, he had memories of all the bad things that have happened while living here. </p><p>The yelling, the blame, the guilt, the tears. All of it, all the memories were behind his bedroom door. </p><p>He grabbed the bedroom door handle and paused before opening the door. </p><p>He was almost overwhelmed by being inside. The same mint green walls, the posters covering each inch of the wall and the stickers he stuck all over his closet doors. He opens the closet, the half he shared with his mom since she had so much clothes, still having all her clothes, untouched. The other side was completely empty.</p><p>He bent down to the wooden floorboards in the closet, pulled the gap in the floor up and found the folded letter. He knew exactly what it was, he was surprised his mother never found it. </p><p>He opens the letter, dated July 15th, 2000. He skimmed to the bottom of the note where the last line, reading </p><p>sorry for not being the perfect daughter</p><p>A tear fell onto the paper. </p><p>Sat where all his memories were, he starts to cry. </p><p>Even after everything that has happened throughout his childhood, he couldn’t help but cry after the death of his mother. It was more than his mother, it was the grief towards Jon, Sasha, Tim, his childhood. </p><p>Everything.</p><p>He wished he could have done more to help, he could have stopped Tim from going through with his plan, he could have protected Sasha and Jon. He could have been there for his mother more before her death.</p><p>He couldn’t bring back time but his guilt and grief really wish that it could have been him instead of them. It's why he is working with Peter Lukas, no one else is left except him and he has no reason to not risk his life when all the people he loves already have.</p><p>It was pointless now, he couldn’t bring them back. He has to move on.</p><p>He wipes his eyes and takes the note, to burn later, he didn’t want the new homeowners to find it. </p><p>The things left in the house were furniture and his mother’s belongings, both of those he didn’t need. He knew how much pain and memories this house left him when he left before working at the institute and even now, so coming once more was some sort of closure.</p><p>Closure on his childhood, the anger for his mother, his father, all of it. </p><p>He felt he could finally move on, and heal. </p><p>Martin leaves the house, locks the door and walks towards his car. </p><p>He stops and looks back watching what will be the last time being here. </p><p>Martin walks to his car and drives away. Bringing all the memories of this house with him.</p>
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